


Secret Santa is a Sacred Duty

by anarchycox



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Christmas, Determined Tony, Feelstide 2016, Fluff, M/M, Secret Santa, crackled, crazy phil, loving phil, meaning it is crack adjacent but not all the way sliding into crack, phil is going to make this christmas perfect darn it, these people are all insane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-26
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-09-07 16:27:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8807845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anarchycox/pseuds/anarchycox
Summary: Prompt: As more presents get added to the pile under the tree and as Christmas gets closer, Coulson spends more and more time attempting to stop the wilder and wilder plans the Avengers come up with to try and figure out what's in their presents before Christmas actually arrives.





	

**Author's Note:**

> this got twisted up a little, but I think sticks to the heart of the story. It isn't really that relevant but this is how the Secret Santa picks played out:  
> Nick Fury - Darcy  
> Maria Hill - Iron Man  
> Captain America - Black Widow  
> Iron Man - Nick Fury  
> Thor - Bruce Banner  
> Hulk - Hawkeye  
> Black Widow - Thor  
> Hawkeye - Maria Hill  
> Darcy - Captain America

A Secret Santa had seemed like such a good idea. It kept it from getting too extravagant - couples could buy for each other, but otherwise everyone buying one gift seemed to make sense. Pepper had demanded to be in control of the stockings and everyone easily agreed to that. It also removed Pepper from the Secret Santa pool at her request. Jane was out of the country on research, but Darcy had held a tazer up and said give me someone good.

Phil would never talk about their late night tazer offs they had in the gym sometimes. Or the fact that Darcy occasionally beat him. According to her, develop killer boobs at 13 and you develop skills that SHIELD wish they had.

Phil had organized it carefully and was the keeper of the record of the Secret Santa. He created a random generator on a dedicated system (he rolled dice and wrote it on a tiny card) and there was only one copy of the list in existence. He refused to discuss where said list was being kept. 

Tony had asked if it was up his ass and Clint had kindly shared, “Nah checked there yesterday rather thoroughly - no list.”

He had given each Avenger and Darcy a card with their person and a simple set of rules. No switching, no going over budget, and NO guessing.

Phil had known the last was a hopeful wish, but he had to write it down, to prove he had tried. Everyone had sat there very calmly as he handed out the cards. They even played nice and waited for his count of three to open their envelopes. He gave them all 30 seconds to look at their names and then clicked a button and all the incendiary paper went up. “Good. Now no cheating.” He stared at them all. 

“Cap - no puppy eyes. Tony - JARVIS has already agreed to do nothing to aid you in finding anything out. Darcy, no tazing, THOR do not shout about who you have. Bruce, you worry me least, but I’m keeping an eye on you. Natasha no torture, Clint you will not fuck it out of me. Nick you cannot pull rank - in this I am your God. Maria, I am counting on your honour here.” He looked at them all. “I have also arranged a team to monitor you.”

Phil went to the door and opened it. A few people came in and stood behind him. “This is Skye, my hacker she will be monitor all your computers. Leo Fitz and Jemma Simmons are here because I like them and have no doubt their keen minds will prove useful.”

“And you? What’s your job, Mulan?” Tony asked.

Natasha hit him, hard. “Show some respect.” she nodded and it was returned.

“This is Melinda May.” Phil reached under the table and pulled up a box. “This is box 1 of 8 that discusses her field missions and record. If you step out of line, she has full authority to put you back in line.”

“Hi, Melinda.” Clint waved.

“Clinton, you still owe me a motorcycle.”

“Shit.” Clint had no problems wheeling Darcy’s chair in front of himself and trying to hide.

“I would appeal to your better natures as heroes to respect the secret santa, but I also know that you are all children with no patience. We will help you stay in line.” Phil and his whole team smiled. It ranged from cheerful, to a look that suggested Melinda had already figured out how to kill them all. “Merry Christmas.”

They only had to control the Avengers for 1 week, it couldn’t be that hard.

Within an hour, Simmons was in front of him practically crying. “I didn’t mean to render your husband unconscious with the Night Night gun.”

Phil just looked at Melinda. “It begins.”

Skye perked up, “Are we doing Helm’s Deep? Sweet. Sweet, I call being Legolas. You and Melinda can fight over who’s Aragorn.” 

Leo pouted. “I wanted to be Legolas.”

Melinda pointed out Phil’s window. “Tony’s flying trying to scan the room for any information.”

Phil turned around and there was Iron Man. He waved and typed on his computer. “His suit will now only play the song White Christmas.”

He gave each of his team an envelope. “Hazard pay and a personal thank you. If we pull this off until 12:01am December 25th, I will personally double that.”

Skye looked at the number. “Holy shit, we are on it AC.”

Leo and Jemma looked. “Ooh I can get a monkey.” He looked at everyone. “Or we can get those analysis programs we’ve had our eye on.”

“We won’t let you down sir.” Jemma smiled.

Melinda just left.

***********************************************

Phil sat at his desk and wasn’t surprised when Nick swung in in his most dramatic fashion. “So this was a fun experiment, all pleasing and shit, got me in the holiday mood, even picked me up a peppermint mocha and told them my name was Kris Kringle.” Nick steepled his fingers. “But now is the time where you tell me who pulled my name.”

“No.”

“I order you to tell me.”

“That’s cute Nick.” Phil smiled. “Now how goes shopping for your person?” he snickered just a little.

“Why the hell couldn’t you give me Hill? Her, I buy bullets and whiskey and she thinks it the best thing ever.” Nick sank into the chair a little bit.

“It was random.”

“Bullshit you designed this to make me suffer.”

Phil reached into his desk. “Here is a list of appropriate and on budget gifts for Ms Lewis.” Nick started to fold it up. “That list doesn’t leave the room. You could be compromised and then someone could find out who you had and the system would fall apart.”

“Phil,” Nick paused and leaned forward in concern. “Are you perhaps taking this a mite seriously?”

“Of course I am.” Phil blinked. “It’s secret santa.” He held out his hand. “Return the list please.” 

Nick was curious and pulled the paper a little away. Phil pulled out his gun. “Sir, the list please.” Nick handed it over. “Have fun. I think you’ll enjoy shopping at Hot Topic.”

Nick walked out in the hall and ran into Clint. “We made a huge mistake.”

Clint laughed. “No shit. It’s going to be awesome.”

“Your humour leaves something to be desired.”

“I know sir.” Clint winked and kept walking.

*********************************************

So far there had been four break ins to Phil’s offices, as if the list would be there. But Darcy got stuck in a net and that was pretty amusing.

Phil was humming as he cooked dinner and Clint came up and hugged him from behind. “You are in a good mood.”

“Tomorrow all the gifts have to be under the tree, guarding the secrets becomes easier at that point, everything is centralized.”

“Do you have lasers?” Clint joked. 

“I have Melinda May.” 

“That’s better than lasers.” Clint let go and grabbed a glass of water. “Maria will like the gift right?”

“It’s an excellent gift Clint.” Phil promised. He plated the food and they sat down. “Thoughtful and clever and just a little silly.”

“Okay.” Clint grinned happily. “Also I have bought you a stupid amount of stuff, because you didn’t get to Santa it up.”

Phil looked at him confused, “But I’m having fun.”

“You set up an electric fence around your desk, which doesn’t even have the list in it.”

“And how do you know the list isn’t in the desk?”

“I...shit.”

“Seems there were in fact five break ins to my office.” Phil grinned. “Now however will I punish you? I could have Simmons hit you with the night night gun again. Or, you could strip down and meet me in the bedroom.”

Clint looked at the barely eaten dinner and shrugged they could reheat. He stood up and shimmied out of all his clothes and ran for the bedroom. Phil calmly finished his meal before getting up to go take care of his husband.

**********************************

Everyone had been given a perscribed time to drop off their gift so that Phil could wrap them all in the same paper and write the tags out so no one could guess by handwriting. Melinda stood at the door, the window had been blacked out and Leo had set a booby trap in the vent above Phil’s desk.

Phil managed to collect all the gifts without mishap. He was pleased with his success so far. He thought it was courting danger to have the gifts put up under the tree 3 days before Christmas but then he had a scar on his chest that suggested he liked to live dangerously.

He put on a Santa hat and gathered all the gifts in a big red bag. Melinda, FitzSimmons and Skye all fell into step behind him, Skye in reindeer ears, and Jemma in a sweater with a snowman.

Phil came off the elevator on the ‘family’ floor and he had to admit, Tony had gone all out on the tree, it was just so beautiful. “Ho Ho Ho.” He shouted and everyone came running in. Well Nick and Natasha tried for casual, but he knew better.

Phil carefully arranged the gifts under the tree and thought it looked quite lovely. He took several photos. “I know exactly how these are arranged. There are photos to show how they are arranged.” He waved a hand and Leo hit his control pad. “The dwarves will be providing regular surveillance and during the times that they need to recharge there will be an armed guard protecting these gifts. 3 days people, I think you can all be mature enough to wait three days.”

“Ummm, I can’t.” Darcy admitted. “And like, I don’t want to get caught in a net again, so JARVIS man don’t let me back in until Christmas morning, k?”

“Of course Ms Lewis.” the AI agreed. She waved at everyone and turned and left.

“I have actual self control.” Maria stalked off with Darcy. Nick assessed and decided he didn’t want Phil to take his other eye and joined the women leaving.

This just left Phil and his team facing off with the Avengers.

“We took down a god, and saved the world, what can you do?” Tony asked. The Avengers all lined up with him. Clint stood between the two groups, because husband versus Christmas gifts was a really hard pick. Clint shrugged and lined up with the Avengers. “Besides how do you know we all didn’t blab to each other anyways?”

Phil smiled. “I guess I don’t, but just sharing, that’s no challenge, no way to prove you’re the best at figuring out stuff. And as for what we can do? Plenty.” Melinda shifted her shoulders, Leo put his drones in formation, Jemma pulled out her Night Night gun and Skye just sort of waved at them.

“You’re dead.” Tony promised.

“You have no Christmas spirit.” Phil countered. “Clint you sure?”

“Sorry babe, but I kind of really want to know what my gift is. It's the not knowing. Your stuff I can guess. This? This is interesting.” Clint tilted his head. “Because I bet that it ain’t arrows.”

“You can bunk with Natasha for the next three days.” Phil and his team all left. 

Thor looked at the drones. “These scare me not!” he shouted and approached the gifts. The drones swarmed him and as he tried to swat them away, one shocked him, another sprayed his eyes with black pepper and a third let out a hellacious sound. He stumbled away and all seven went back to their idle swooping.

“We can beat this.” Tony said. “Just take out the drones.”

“Dude, no. Leo will pout then. It’s like kicking a puppy, those things are his babies. If you can short them out sure, but no destruction.” Clint said.

“I thought you were on our side.” Natasha glared at him.

“Yeah, I am, but here look this is his sad face.” Clint pulled up the picture on his phone. “And then Jemma gets mad and all Britishy and just, it feels like a mom scolding you.” They all looked at the photo and agreed it was too sad.

“So we wait, take down the human factor.” Steve suggested. “Someone cause a distraction and another can poke the gifts.”

They all agreed that was the most reasonable plan.

*****************************

Phil knew Bruce had been sent to distract him. Melinda had been on guard and he was bringing her tea and ready to relieve her. Tony had done a pretty good job of shorting out the drones but it had taken him a full day. Phil made sure to make a note in Leo’s SHIELD file, that is impressing engineering if it can stump Tony for that long.

“Bruce, how long do you have to distract me?” Phil asked after Bruce had rambled for a couple minutes.

“What? I’m not, I mean these are serious concerns.”

“Bruce you aren’t subtle.” Phil pat his shoulder. “I love you for trying to play spy, but this really isn’t your strength.”

“I know, but everyone else is having a great time trying to break you, I thought I should give it a go.”

“And?”

Bruce shrugged. “I’m going to the lab.” They heard a crash from the family room. “And seems like I did enough job. Sounds like Cap got passed Melinda, she was looking really tired.”

“None of you researched Melinda properly like I suggested did you?” Phil and Bruce walked into the room and saw Melinda in front of the tree, holding a glowing staff. One gift had moved a quarter of an inch and Steve was on the ground the plaster of the wall dented where she had thrown him into it.

“Melinda, is the staff of limitless Asgardian rage really necessary?”

“He was warned. He touched a gift.”

“In that case, very well done.” Phil handed her a cup of tea. She put the staff down and began to sip.

Steve stood up and shook his head. He had not expected that. “Phil, I’m your favourite.” He tried his best sad face.

Phil just crossed his arms and stood beside Melinda. “There are no favourites, no love, no mercy. There is only protecting the pact of the Secret Santa.”

Bruce stared at him, honestly a little terrified. 

A NERF dart shot through the vent and Melinda caught it as Phil caught her tea cup without spilling a drop.

“God, is watching you two work together my Christmas gift Phil? Because I’ve missed it.” Clint said from the vent. “Also Cap, I warned you not to go head to head with The Calvary.”

“Clinton, do not call me that.” Melinda looked up at the vent. “And you still owe me a motorcycle.” There was a squeak and a scurry away. Phil handed her the tea cup and settled into a chair by the tree with a book. 

Steve looked at him.

“Don’t try it son.” Phil didn’t look up from his book. Bruce dragged Steve away. They needed to reasses the plans.

*************************************

They had made it to Christmas Eve. Only apparently the Avengers had decided they couldn’t make it until tomorrow.

Phil stood in front of the tree in full tactical gear. Melinda and Skye were dressed similarly. They had decided to keep Fitz and Simmons out of this.

Tony only had one glove on and Bruce was still Bruce, but otherwise they were in full Avengers formation. “You had a good run Agent, we all applaud it, but you can’t hold out against a full out assault.” He pointed at the two groups. “We have double your numbers, and superpowers, what do you have?”

“Verily, Son of Coul, you have done honourable battle, but now let us attend to our gifts.” Thor nodded. “You think you can take us all?”

“By myself, no.” Phil smiled. “But you aren’t the only ones with super powers.” Skye held out her hands and the quake threw all the Avengers back.

Phil pulled out a Nigh Night gun and so did the other two. “Now, you have two choices. We can knock you all out until Christmas morning and the other three arrive for their gifts, and frankly Melinda is hoping you choose that option, you’ve annoyed her a little. Or you can acknowledge I have you beaten, and go put on the Christmas pajamas I’ve left on everyone's bed and we can have spiked hot chocolate and watch Muppet Christmas Carol and other movies and all fall asleep in front of the tree.” 

“But I want my gift!” Tony pouted.

“And I want all my friends to experience a proper and wonderful Christmas morning as a family.” Phil roared at him.

All the Avengers froze on the ground. For a second Phil worried they were actually frozen, but no, it was just shock.

“This wasn’t a weird power trip?” Clint asked slowly. He sat up and looked at his husband. “Shit, how did I read this wrong? This was you doing that thing you do, where you make everything awesome and better.”

“I don’t think you’ll be having anymore problems tonight Phil. Merry Christmas.” Melinda nodded to him, shot a warning shot two inches from Stark’s crotch and walked away.

Skye hugged Phil. “This has been like totally awesome AC.”

“Want to stay, I have a set of pajamas for you too.” Phil offered. 

“Really?” she bounced a little. “What about Fitz and Simmons?”

“They have their own Christmas eve traditions in the science division.”

“Awesome. I’m getting my pjs. And I make wicked hot chocolate.” Skye waved at the Avengers and hurried away.

The Avengers were all looking at Phil carefully, who put his gun away. “This is my gift to you, a real Christmas. Pajamas, staying up, treats, and in the morning gifts.” He smiled at them all, “You deserve some childish glee in your lives.” He laughed a little. “Besides which, do you really think those are the real gifts? Decoys wrapped to match what you all gave me. You’ve been so focused on these ones, never even thought maybe it was a fake out.”

Clint smiled at his husband. “Mad Max, gasoline. You put the scary people with the fake out and the real stuff goes out the back door without a problem.”

“Shit.” Natasha swore, she couldn’t believe Phil played her like that.

Tony grinned a little and looked at the tree. His parents had never really done an at home quiet Christmas, and it seemed like he had that this year. “Well played. My pajamas better have robots or rockets.” He ran to his bedroom. Everyone in fact quickly dispersed to get their pajamas. Phil stood in front of the tree and smiled. 

At 5am Pepper snuck in to fill the stockings and had the bag with the real gifts. She took a dozen photos of the Avengers all crashed out on blankets in their footie pjs. Phil was up and drinking some coffee. He helped her fill the stockings and they put all the proper gifts under the tree. They moved a little away from the cuddle pile.

Pepper leaned into Phil a little. “Thank you.” She smiled where Tony was curled up hugging Bruce like a stuffed animal. “He deserved a real Christmas.”

“They all did, they’ve had too few.” Phil smiled where Clint and Natasha slept backs to each other, knives in hand. “The others will be here soon. Coffee?”

Pepper nodded and he brought her a cup. “Nice jams by the way.” They had little chibi avengers with santa hats on them.

“I like them.” They talked quietly, parents excited for the kids to see what Santa brought. Phil finished his coffee and hurried to put on jeans and when he came back Fury, Maria, and Darcy were arriving with a huge box of donuts and Darcy was quivering.

She ran into the room and yelled “Merry Christmas.” Nick moved in front of her to block all the weapons that came flying.

“Well shit, we missed the sleepover.” Nick said. “Now wake the hell up, I want my gift.”

Pepper came in with a tray loaded with coffee and tea cups and everyone dove for it. Skye put on a Santa hat and handed out stockings to everyone and smiled when she saw that there was even one for her.

Everyone tore into the stockings and started eating the chocolate. Clint looked over and realized Phil had barely touched his, was just watching everyone. And he had that smile on his face. The one he had when they got married. It was Phil’s this moment is perfect and I’ll remember it forever smile.

Clint took a quick photo and and then crawled to beside Phil and rested his head on Phil’s knee. “Merry Christmas babe, you did it.”

Phil scratched the back of Clint’s head a little. “Thanks, this is wonderful.” He watched Thor and Steve trade some candy, Nick laugh at the knock knock joke book from his stocking and Tony slide ever closer to the gifts. “Yes, Tony you can pass out the main gifts now.”

Tony dove under the tree and yelped.

“Whoops, forgot that Sleepy was still in there ready to shock anyone who got too close.” Phil tried for apologetic.

Clint kissed Phil’s knee. He knew Phil hadn’t forgotten shit. The guy just loved to rile Tony up. Even on Christmas morning.

 


End file.
